Nathan’s back, our resident womanizing snarkster, with some solid advice for the singletons this month. Check out this Rule of Nathan #48 and don’t miss his column next month for more of his musings.
Are we still doing this, ladies? Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. You quit putting teeth under your pillow for dollars. Now can we please knock it off with the Valentine’s Day?
Guys too. Can we quit playing along? Being romantic the one day a year, those greedy bastards who print messages on candy (I use this term loosely) hearts is not fooling anyone. We all know you are a thoughtless asshole the rest of the year.
There must be some scientific explanation to the female fascination with Valentine’s Day. I think it has to do with bleeding…hearts… chocolate…flowers and vaginas?
A friend of mine revealed to me that she is actually going to bleed for V-day. Isn’t that festive? Her boyfriend is so lucky. Red is the color of love.
I believe I speak for my gender when I propose this: Women, if you will give up V-day, we will give up Steak and a BJ day. Here’s the caveat: We will surprise you with some kind of romantic date, gift and/or gesture two random days of the year. In return, you will surprise us with a steak and a BJ two random days per year.
Think about how much better the special romance days will be when we don’t have those roadside teddy bears stuffed with carcinogenic balls of third world Styrofoam as an option. With roses priced at the stable, day-to-day market value of $12.99 instead of the inflated, February $59.99, you might just get some instead of Circle K carnations.
This agreement should by no means limit us to twice a year. I mean, steak and BJs don’t get old, and guys, if we put a little effort into some romance just a little more often, maybe, just maybe, the flood-gates will open on the felatio-mignon, if you know what I mean.
I’m not trying to blame anyone for this travesty of love. I just want to point out what we all need to admit to ourselves that really, we know what our significant others like. Can we all just agree to put in a little more effort? Also, is it Tofu and a BJ day for our hipster, vegan friends?