The Arts of the Bachelor: Rule of Nathan #48

January 25, 2012 | 2:30 PM | Arts of the Bachelor | By Staff

Nathan’s back, our resident womanizing snarkster, with some solid advice for the singletons this month. Check out this Rule of Nathan #48 and don’t miss his column next month for more of his musings.

Rule of Nathan #48: Never date or try to date a stripper. By never, I mean almost never, and by stripper I mean stripper you meet at the strip club. Strippers aren’t strippers outside of work any more than Hugh Laurie is a doctor, Nathan Fillion is a space cowboy, Nickelback are musicians or Lou Diamond Phillips is Richie Valens. OK, scratch that last one. LDP is totally La Bamba. So, you know, if you meet her because she sits next to you in your law school class, go for it.

In that vein, coffee shops are the new strip clubs and baristas are the new strippers. Bear with me on this one. When your barista smiled at you and she “was totally flirting, man,” remember she has a tip jar. Her job is to be nice to you and make you coffee. I get it. My dream woman would be nice to me and make me coffee too, but remember that’s the baristas job.

Oh sure, I’ll bet you do know a guy, who knows a guy, who scored his barista’s number at the coffee shop and they went out for a vegan meal, fell in love and made beautiful hipster babies together. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen; I’m just saying it usually doesn’t happen.

That being said: rules are meant to be broken, so when My Favorite Barista (MFB) started flirting with me via text, I might have flirted back. If you really think about it, it doesn’t count because she doesn’t get paid to text me. #winning

I still wasn’t planning to ask her out. Don’t get me wrong, flirtation from who I consider to be the most desirable barista in the Phoenix area is not something I am not cool enough to brush off. It’s just that rules are rules for a reason. Besides that I was not looking forward to changing coffee shops when I inevitably screwed it up.

Well, temptation is a cruel mistress and thanks to my Coffee Shop Buddy (CSB), the situation turned on me. I walk into my coffee shop when MFB informs me, “CSB says you are going to ask me out.” Cornered by my own big mouth. What choice did I have? “MFB, would you like to go out sometime?” “Yes I would,” she responded with that big, adorable hipster-in-denial grin. We made plans for Thursday.

Way to go Nathan, right? I mean, we are talking about one of those women you look at and think you will just never be cool enough for. In my quasi-hipster world, a barista may as well be a semi-famous musician. It wasn’t that hard to ignore the implications, my own rules and get downright giddy. It’s just dinner and a few drinks anyhow right?

So, when she canceled on me two days before the date because she didn’t want to ruin the friendship, I won’t say I wasn’t a touch on the disappointed side. I should have seen it coming. The gods of bachelorhood to not take this kind of rule-bending lightly. Don’t sh*t where you eat, or date where you drink coffee 20 plus hours a week, as the case may be. But if you do or almost do break Rule #48, remember that sometimes guilt equals free coffee.

 

    

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