A holiday greeting from our favorite button-pusher Nathan Simpson. Catch his monthly musings on Wednesdays as he documents the trials and tribulations of dating in the world’s most unhip suburb.
Happy Holidays to you and yours. I forgot to send out my Christmas cards again this year, so consider this as a last minute but well-intentioned substitute. If you don’t read my column you make my naughty list (not the good one I keep in my night stand) and are therefore, undeserving of my Yuletide greetings.
I’d like to share with you a holiday tradition my family has adopted for the last several years. It’s a sweet and wonderful tradition that involves reflection and reminiscing on old memories. Each year, my family gathers together in my grandma’s living room, stuffed with turkey, ham and trimmings but nibbling on Christmas sweets anyhow and they turn the discussion toward my singledom.
It starts with a discussion of various exes or flings I have brought to family functions. “I really liked such and such.” “What was that one girl’s name? From our wedding. The one with the cleavage.” “Was that the same girl from Grandpa’s birthday party?” “I still don’t remember who the girl from Minnesota is.”
Once they have sorted out who they think is who, it leads into discussing favorites. There is a strong consensus amongst all of them for one ex in particular, except for one uncle who still prefers “That hot, blonde, 18 year-old from (cousin’s name withheld)’s wedding.” She was 21, by the way.
They do, however, think that I should have married the veterinarian because they have high aspirations for me and want me to marry rich. Isn’t that only supposed to be an issue for women?
Once we have established the crème de la crème of women I have dated, comes my favorite part. They take turns telling me how I screwed up and what I could do better in order to bag and keep me a good woman. The list involves being a better housekeeper, better wage-earner, going back to school and other lofty goals except for my rough and tough mechanic grandpa who, god bless him, thinks I should just comb my hair once in awhile.
Being single, even on the holidays isn’t always so bad. I mean, far be it for me to ruin this holiday tradition (though they have done it with girlfriends present). I assume lots of families have similar traditions. This year I plan to explain that my column would suffer if I found a lady who could stand me. You guys like me for all my singleness right?