Introducing our latest column, All The Single Ladies, by Shannon. She’s single, fabulous and ready to rant about dating in the desert. Find her column here each month.
I’d like to create a new online dating website. It shall be called …. NDA. No. Douches. Allowed.
I will charge only $19.99 per month; just enough to keep out the homeless and unemployed, and not too much to annoy members to the point of throwing martini glasses at their computer screens for flushing $59.99 down the toilet per month to meet men who want to take you garage sale-ing on your first date or are actually 15 years older than the profile picture posted.
The following are NOT allowed on my new NDA site:
Men (and women, for those dudes out there frustrated like me) who post the following in their profile:
1. In their bathroom mirror with their cell phone with no shirt on; especially those with clearly visible women’s skin care products/undergarments on the countertop, those with Motel 8 hotel towels hanging on the wall behind them, and those whose photo isn’t cropped enough so we get to view an obscene amount of skin.
2. Anyone in general whose profile is so vague and boring, it could easily describe any single twenty or thirty-something living in a big city. Including, but not limited to men who post “working out” as their favorite leisure activity, men who are looking for a woman that can be their “partner in crime” and look good wearing jeans on the weekend and dressed up for a night out on the town, women who post “shopping” as their favorite hobby. Oh wait…that’s me. Never mind.
3. Any guy that mentions his pastimes are GTL.
4. Any individual who does not know how to use spell check on their profile or writes in text-speak. OMG!
5. Chicks with 17 photos posted of only their cleavage, faux roots, lifted F-150’s, and scandalous tattoos in places you’re not quite sure of.
6. Dudes who post a photo of yourself holding what looks like what I would envision an “AK-47″ to look like seeing that I am not fluent in gun-speak. This is not attractive. It’s frightening. And so is the fact that you’re not clothed in camo military gear, but casually hanging in designer-ripped jeans, an affliction tee and clutching the machine gun as if it were your favorite power ranger from 1987.
7. Intentionally inserting 17 emoticons into your dating profile to include a smiley face, a smiley face winking, a smiley face bouncing, a smiley face clapping, a smiley face eating, a smiley face waving, a smiley face rocking out, a smiley face making friends, a smiley face fishing and an animated frothy beer just does not make for a good dating profile.
Where are all the interesting single men in this world? Are you hiding in some special neighborhood I don’t know about, perhaps east Chandler? Do you frequent a specific gym, because if so, I’d actually considering getting myself a membership there. Are you holed up in your offices/downtown artist studio/local hip watering hole and I just never cross your path? Just yesterday, a smart woman corrected me when I started to say, “I can’t meet a guy,” and she retorted that yes I can. I just choose not to spend time with those that I meet. Right. Because those that I meet think playing with AK-47′s and typing with smiley faces makes for a rousing good time. And for those of you who were lucky enough to snag one of the new iPhone 4S, FYI, don’t bother with Siri as a matchmaker. I asked her to find me a man, and she told me there were no dating services close to me.