Welcome back the The Arts of the Bachelor. (You know, like Bachelor of the Arts?) Plucked from Twitter, the great equalizer, Nathan Simpson is snarky, womanizing and a bit of a button-pusher. In other words, he’s the perfect person to document the trials and tribulations of his love affair with the world’s most (un)hip suburb. Check back the second Wednesday of every month for his musings…
Hey kids! Halloween is just around the corner and what kind of snarky, button-pusher would I be if I didn’t write a little something about slutty Halloween costumes? I know what you’re thinking: “Oh no, Nathan! The last thing we need is another story on the interwebz about slutty Halloween costumes!” Well don’t you worry your pretty little heads, readers. This is different. For one, unlike most writing on the topic, I fully support all the slutty fill-in-the-blanks crowding the streets on All Hallows Eve. I personally plan to go as a slutty columnist. Secondly, I have some suggestions for the one day a year trollops out there. Slutty maids, nurses, angels, devils and Rainbow Brites are overdone. Here are some fresh ideas to show some skin and trick your treats.
Slutty Occupy Wall Street Location
These protests are big news right now. There is no rule stating that your slutty costume can’t also be socially pro-active. People have occupied cities all over the country and even worldwide; why not let them know that they can occupy you as well? Start with a midriff baring shirt that says “Occupy This.” Throw in a few protest signs to let everyone know that you are part of the 69% and ready to bring corruption out of the banks and into the bedroom.
Slutty Guy Just-Released from the 4th Avenue Jail Going to His Parole Appointment
Cross-gendered dressing is hot. Remember, you haven’t seen a woman in 180 days. Let everyone know you haven’t seen a woman in 180 days. Make them feel really uncomfortable. Sure, you need to go meet your parole officer right now, but you have carnal needs and he’s never on time anyhow. Wear your dirtiest jeans, torn in all the right places and tie your t-shirt in the front, because it gets hot walking all those blocks. Ask everyone you meet for the exact price of a
beer but tell them it’s for bus fare.
Slutty Governor Brewer
We all know how much Governor Brewer likes to screw our fine state. Show everyone that your version might also be willing to screw consenting adult trick or treaters. Pick up a zombie make-up kit over at Easley’s Fun Shop on McDowell to get the face right. From there, it’s just a matter of un-conservatizing your favorite polyester lady suit.
Slutty Department of Economic Services Job Counselor
Here is your chance to really lift some spirits and provide hope to those of us affected by the devastating unemployment rates. The economy is tough, but with this costume you can let the down-n-out know that there are all kinds of jobs still out there. I honesty have no idea what TiTiTiryou would wear for this, but get creative and make a name tag.
Slutty Columnist Groupie
Just wear something slutty and look for me. Ask me to autograph your breasts. I will.