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Here’s another savory screed from DLT’s proudly-persnickety contributor, Eric Eats Out. Check back the first Wednesdsay of every month as Mr. Eats Out contemplates life’s greatest joys, including his porcelain throne.

When I got into this food blogging pastime, I thought I had finally found a hobby that wouldn’t cost me a fortune like my other hobbies – sports cars and airplanes. How wrong I was. It’s not the cost of the meals that stings; it’s the end result of those meals. That’s right, I’m talking about poop.

Unpleasant as it may be to discuss, it is a biological fact that what goes in must come out. It doesn’t matter whether you’re talking about foie gras or sushi. (Or in extreme cases, gerbils, but that’s a whole different article.) I recently had lunch with a professional food critic who told the story of eating crickets … and the very unpleasant end-result that lasted for days. Sometimes that which is delicious going in your pie hole obliterates your innards. It’s a crapshoot … pun intended.

The solution to this problem is simple: get a great toilet. And there is no greater toilet than the Toto Washlet which, while relatively common in hygiene-obsessed Japan, is just starting to make inroads into the American market. It isn’t cheap, ranging from about $600 all the way up to the $5,000 model that will basically give you a daily colonic, but it’s a one-time expense and, mind you, this is no ordinary toilet. The Toto Washlet is part bidet, part toilet and 100% awesome.

I first used a Toto Washlet at Geisha A Go Go, in downtown Scottsdale. My wife and I had heard that the bathrooms featured these tantric toilets, and we went there with the sole intent of ordering a cocktail and then immediately visiting the restroom.  It was a defining moment in the history of my fecal fascination.

Controlled by a wall-mounted digital panel, this toilet cleans your nether regions with a steady stream of warm water. It will also make your house feel larger, because you’ll no longer need space to store your Costco-sized crate of toilet paper. In fact, it renders toilet paper virtually useless. Both water temperature and pressure are electronically controlled, as is the temperature of the toilet seat itself. When you wake up in the middle of the night, dripping in a cold sweat and realizing that your colon is about to explode, there is no finer feeling than sitting down on a warm toilet seat. Take it from someone who knows. If anything, using the Toto Washlet is such an enjoyable experience that you’ll practically wish you had Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The fun doesn’t end with a clean sphincter. A climate-controlled gust of air will dry your parts, and the deodorizer function is so effective that your spouse will never know you were even there. Clearly the Japanese could have crushed us in World War II if the engineering resources used on this toilet had been dedicated to their military industrial complex. About the only thing the Toto Washlet doesn’t do is give you a happy ending, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re working on that, too.

What I find particularly remarkable is this device’s accuracy. It is as if the magic wand that sprays the water has some sort of laser-guided targeting device, telling it exactly where to attack. It is ruthlessly efficient, and it is hard to exit the commode without a grin on your face. Better yet, there is also a function for women which sprays their “front” because, ahem, everyone appreciates a clean cooter. You can remove that “not so fresh feeling” from your list of ailments, and sell your stock in the maker of Massengill as soon as these things go mainstream.

The next time you see me with a cheery look on my face, it probably isn’t because I just ate a great meal. It’s because that great meal just left my body and I’ve got the cleanest ass in town and, honestly, what’s better than that?

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