Introducing our latest contributor, Andrew From AZ. (This might shock you, but that’s not his real name.) Plucked from the obscurity that is our comments board, Andrew is snarky, single and a bit of a (reluctant) scenester. In other words, he’s the perfect person to document the trials and tribulations of life in the world’s hippest suburb.

Dear Phoenix,
“Why are Light Rail pub crawls so popular? Last fall I couldn’t go a month without getting invited to at least one “So-and-so’s Birthday Pub Crawl FIESTA/ BASH/ EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!” on Facebook. Who decided this was a good idea? Everyone knows that the train only runs once every thirty minutes after 7 PM, right? And that you’re not (technically) allowed to bring alcohol on board? And that the florescent lighting will make everyone look ugly? That’s not even getting into the practical issues. Let’s relive part of one less than magical evening, not all that long ago:

7:30 PM, on a Saturday. The party started at 6:30, but I’m late ‘cause who gets to any party on time? We were to meet at the George and Dragon to kick things off. The G&D, as some of us call it, is a good starting point because it has lots of parking. See how this is already failing to make sense? Some people are drunk already (Irish Car Bombs! Wooo!) and others are just getting started (Guinness! Er, somewhat less exciting). Whoops, time to close out, everyone! We’re moving on to the next stop!

8:30 PM – “What are you doing?! You were supposed to stop drinking and close your tab so we can get to the train stop and move on!” Meanwhile, those of us who are still sober are growing increasingly dissatisfied with this state of affairs, and roll our eyes at those who continue to dally.

8:37 PM – We’ve left the offender(s) to deal with the bartender. Next stop: Hula’s Modern Tiki. Hula’s has great atmosphere and fun tiki cocktails, and it’s conveniently located just over half a mile north of G&D. Two people decide to walk rather than wait, and in the confusion several others decide to join them, and eventually the whole idea of a light rail pub crawl is lost and we all end up walking. Much fun is had by all and we get some exercise. Those who over-prepared and bought their light rail tickets ahead of time seethe with silent resentment.

And scene.

The moral of the story is that despite Phoenicians’ overt distaste for walking, pedestrians and public transportation, a proper pub crawl is human-powered. Waiting half an hour for a train simply interrupts the drinking and merriment—at least when walking, there’s potential for relative adventure (shopping carts, pitstop in Walgreens’ bathroom … Hey, I said “relative.”) Bear this in mind next time you plan a night out drinking in Central Phoenix.

Sincerely,

Andrew From AZ

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