Here’s another savory screed from DLT‘s newest contributor, Eric Eats Out. Check back the first Wednesday of every month as Mr. Eats Out ponders and pontificates on life’s greatest mysteries such as the brilliance of Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza.

People assume that, because I write about food, I must be a food elitist. Close friends and family can attest to the fact that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, I love the high-concept and skillfully prepared cuisine at Binkley’s. I am in awe of the lengths that Eliot Wexler and Chris Curtiss go through to source the best ingredients for Noca. And Christopher Gross understands French food better than just about anyone else around. If I won Powerball, I could afford to eat at those places all the time while still having money leftover to pay for routine liposuction, gastric bypass and heavy doses of Lipitor.

But, just like you, I live in a world of time constraints and fiscal limitations. And let’s be honest: sometimes you just want a quickie, not lengthy foodnik foreplay. So, at the risk of losing any street-cred that I may possess, here is a list of decidedly low-brow food that never fails to make me happy. Toss aside your high-fallutin’ “eat local” bullshit, and open your organic mind to some processed-food deliciousness.

Egg Rolls at Jack in the Box – Available as a standalone item or as a three-pack; you can’t beat them for a quick, deep-fried fix. They are fried to order, producing a solid crunch with a slight doughy texture on the inside. The best parts are the over-cooked ends of the egg roll where the wrapper is folded, which are usually crispier than Ted Bundy in the electric chair and more delicious too. Added bonus: they are filled with vegetables, so they’re healthy too, right?

Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell – In the wake-and-bake haze of my college years, this brilliant Mexitalian hybrid never failed to ring my bell, and it still does. On a busy weekday when I’m solo for lunch, I can sometimes be found sitting in my car in the parking lot at Taco Bell, with NPR on the radio, eating a Mexican Pizza. There may be nothing authentic about it, and the list of ingredients sounds like it came from a science lab instead of a refrigerator, but one cannot deny the Mexican Pizza is one of the greatest fast-food inventions…ever. I’m still waiting for Mexican Egg Foo Yung.

Hot Dog at Costco – The food world may have been up-in-arms when Costco dumped Hebrew National for its private label brand of hot dog, but I don’t care. Where else can you have a complete meal for less than two bucks? There is a rule in my house: You can have anything you want when we shop at Costco, except for jewelry and cars. Mrs. EricEatsOut can buy as many fancy closet hangars and electric toothbrushes as she wants, but I want my damn hotdog. Eating one of these will only add insult to injury when you pay eight bucks for an inferior dog at the ballgame. Added bonus: a hot dog at Costco satisfies the recommended daily intake of several food groups – meat (if you want to call it that), vegetables (relish and onions), fruit (ketchup, although I don’t use any), and bread.

Fajitas at Chili’s – I love Chili’s. There is something magical about this place. I’m not sure if it’s the bright-eyed eager-to-please attitude of its hostesses that came straight from Aryan Youth Central Casting, the gigantic pours of ice cold cheap American beer, or the fact that my infant son once barfed all over a booth there, but I wear my love of Chile’s with pride. Skip the baby back ribs and order the fajitas. Let them sit for a few minutes before you dig-in, so the onions can caramelize. The older the restaurant, the better they are because there is no way to effectively clean those cast-iron skillets, therefore the older ones impart years of flavor from ghosts of fajitas past.

Miller High Life – So what if craft brews have flavor profiles that mass produced beer can’t touch. You simply cannot convince me that anything tastes better on a hot day than an ice cold glass of ice cold cheap American beer, and Miller High Life is the top of the heap. They don’t call it “the champagne of beers” for nothing.  I used to be a Bud Light guy, but there is something so satisfying about holding a clear 32 ounce screw-top bottle of Miller High Life. Lesser beers like Pabst, Stroh’s and Schlitz are making a comeback but, mark my words, Miller High Life will be the hipster beer of choice in less than a year.  And then I’ll start drinking something else.

Cheeseburger from White Castle – You’ll have to travel to the Midwest, or beyond, to get a taste of these culinary gems but it will be worth the trip.  Don’t waste your time with the frozen ones; they’re a far cry from the pleasures of the genuine article. Keep your order simple: cheeseburger, no ketchup. Affectionately known as “belly bombers” or “skillet scabs,” White Castle hamburgers are divine. When visiting my in-laws on the east coast, White Castle is one of my first stops after landing in Newark. My record intake is 13 in one sitting, and the subsequent gastrointestinal obliteration was worth it. (My sincere apologies, again, to the plumber in my mother-in-law’s apartment building.) Words cannot describe the cosmic synergy that results when you take low-grade beef, steam it on a bed of onions, throw it on a spongy bun that sops up the grease until the bread becomes semi-liquefied, and place the end result in a tiny cardboard box. Added bonus: the drive-through windows are usually encased in ballistics-quality glass. If people are shooting at the place to get a burger, you know it must be good.

So there you have it … food recommendations for when your wallet is nearly empty, you can’t get a table at The Mission, or you’re just feeling dirty. You, and your cardiologist, will thank me. Sometimes, dirty is just the way you want it. What are your favorite guilty pleasures?